Dr.G Davis Jr.
Exposure Magazine Love & Relationships Editor
Let’s be clear, when a man is deeply in love with a woman he truly feels blessed to have her in his life, it’s almost second nature to want to give her everything she deserves, because he’s sees the queen in her .
Several months ago, a video clip of a man crying at his wedding as his beautiful bride made her way down the aisle went crazy viral. While it’s not incredibly uncommon for a man to tear up at his ceremony, this clip quickly made rounds throughout numerous social media sites because of it’s raw and unfiltered emotion. Most of us who have seen this clip know little to nothing about these newlyweds, their chemistry, or their back story. But the 1-minute and 47-second sudden eruption of passion speaks volumes, and reinforces my long-held belief that for a man, there’s possibly no greater feeling than experiencing a great, transformative, world-changing love. The type of love that makes him crave to know his woman’s very essence. The type of love that makes him love a woman’s “core.” The type of love that makes him want to be a better man for her.
Let’s be clear, when a man is deeply in love with a woman he truly feels blessed to have her in his life, it’s almost second nature to want to give her everything she deserves, because he’s sees the queen in her. He loves her without compromise or reservations, because her price is beyond rubies and precious diamonds, she’s more than a woman… she’s kingdom royalty! However, no matter how much we may love ourselves, we’ll happily demand far more from our body, mind and soul in order to be the best possible version of ourselves for her. Unfortunately, we are always in a silent competition to be better than her last ex or previous lover.
And this is where the problem comes in.
So when a woman approaches a man and starts talking happily confident logic about what he can do to improve himself, it is very possible that her words can penetrate a part of his brain and his heart that motivates him to set out on that path of personal growth.
Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of my homegirls enter into relationships with men they really like, whom they feel are just one or two “improvements” away from being the best him. Whether it’s something so minor as “expanding” his dress code, or even more substantial like “coaching” him to go back to school or asking for a raise/promotion at work, these women are out here effectively molding men into better versions of themselves. And once they’re task is completed, I find myself caught up in a lot of emotionally distraught conversations with these women who’ve found themselves covered in horrific breakups with the same dudes they helped improve.
Please understand, these women simply don’t understand why he would dismiss her suggestion to maximize his being, just to turn around and leave her. The despair of having to honestly answer that question is only surpassed by the despair of hearing it. Let’s be clear, even if you awake my desire for self-improvement, just because I want to be a better man doesn’t mean I want to be a better man for you. Perhaps you may relate to this scenario: you have met someone you are falling for or have already fallen into a relationship. You love the same music, laugh at the same TV shows, read the same books and eat the same kind of food. Your conversations are endless and your chemistry is off the charts. And everything would be absolutely perfect if the object of your affection would just change that one thing that really bothers you. I am not talking about habits that annoy you or his imperfections that make him human and not a leading man in a romantic Zane novel. It’s the thing that keeps you up at night and creates endless anxiety. It’s the thing that feels so painful that you question why you tolerate it. It’s the thing that causes you to feel insecure about yourself. It’s the thing that has you attempting to renegotiate your own values. It’s the thing that you talk incessantly to your homegirls about while they give concerned looks and ask you questions like, “Is this really want you want?”
This is a hard pill to swallow for most women, but it’s the awkward Gospel truth. Let’s forget the cheap rosy belief that you may only experience real love once in your lifetime; the reality is you may never experience it in a lifetime at all, if your never in stay in a position to receive. While love may be a choice, a truly undeniable and metamorphic chemistry invading our emotional, mental and physical capacities is a rare cosmic incident, anything is possible. In fact, many of us have said the words, “I love you” to more than one partner, many times we find ourselves in relationships of comfort and convenience. We like the person we’re with and we may even care about them, but that like isn’t going to drive us to improve our most intrinsic being for their benefit because, well, they don’t really mean that much to us.
So when a woman approaches a man and starts talking happily confident logic about what he can do to improve himself, it is very possible that her words can penetrate a part of his brain and his heart that motivates him to set out on that path of personal growth. Unfortunately, far too many times women make the mistake of believing that the better him will obviously want her, and that’s just not the case in all situations.
When a man changes, his entire composition undergoes an unbelievable shift that alters him in ways even he couldn’t predict. How he views life, how he views work, and how he views love can all change very quickly, including how he views you and your relationship. The external push will almost always require a different reaction from an internal thrust because when it’s done internally, it’s focused and goal-oriented with her directly in mind.
When done externally on purpose, we place ourselves as the sole focus. That’s the big difference!
Let’s be clear, I’m not saying women should not attempt to make their men face the possibility of self-improvement, but please know that it’s not your job to make him a better man. He has to want to become better for himself. So why settle for an another “project” or fixer- upper”, when you deserve a designer masterpiece! However, if you make it your duty to force your man to change or to magically customize him in anyway, you will eventually see an incredible resistance that you could have never prepare for. Then you will be back at the drawing board again! So the next time you feel inspire to help and create, ask yourself how bad do you want to build a man? Happy Dating!